Dreaming Autumn

Single By Faith

2010-04-03T14:08:00.001+08:00

I am single

not by fate

but by faith

that God has someone special

waiting for me

No Love Life is Happiness

2010-03-10T00:32:00.002+08:00

I have the following equations, which we often hear from people:

with lovelife = happy

not (with lovelife) = end of the world

I thought about this because during OT work in the office, I heard somebody commented:

"Ang hirap talaga ng walang lovelife"

(If you are reading this, I'm sure you know who you are ;)

From the above equations, we can further derive the following:

with lovelife = not (end of the world)

But we all know that the world will end someday.

so the following does not exist:

not (end of the world)

Changing the equations above, we get the following:

not (with lovelife) = end of the world

with lovelife = end of the world

This means,

not (with lovelife) = with lovelife

Replacing the above equation with the first equation above

with lovelife = HAPPY

we derive the equation:

not (with lovelife) = HAPPY

Therefore, I can conclude that

I AM HAPPY! :)

(Of course that can mean either way ;)

Thirsty Soul

2010-01-17T01:34:00.004+08:00

Today, I was feeling unusually depressed.

About work, about life.

Felt so alone.

Was not happy about work.

Thought about the possibility of resigning.

But how do I pay my bills?

Thought about my crooked relationship with my son's dad.

I was in the middle of reality and dream.

Depression was making my head ache too much it felt like it was starting to numb. Was I losin' it?

I put on my earphones.

Holding my self as if somebody was hugging me.

I cried to this song:

There's a somebody I'm longin' to see

I hope that he turns out to be

Someone who'll watch over me

I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood

I know I could, always be good

To one who'll watch over me

Although he may not be the man some

Girls think of as handsome

To my heart he carries the key

Won't you tell him please to put on some speed

Follow my lead, oh, how I need

Someone to watch over me

(Secretly I imagined dancing to this song on my wedding, my dad dancing with me first, telling me how happy he is that I have found the right one for me, then my husband smiling down at me and stroking the tears off my face.)

And then I read this quote from Bono:

It’s such an extraordinary thing, music. It is how we speak to God finally – or how we don’t. It’s the language of the spirit. If you believe that we contain within our skin and bones a spirit that might last longer than your time breathing in and out – if there is a spirit, music is the thing that wakes it up. And it certainly woke mine up. And it seems to be how we communicate on another level.

And suddenly I felt better.

I started dancing again to the beat of the songs.

I have reconnected to the true love of my soul.

Music is such food that quenches a thirsty soul.

A Little Goodbye

2009-02-09T23:26:00.002+08:00

goodbye.
a little each day just might help.
i know that tomorrow i'll see you again.
but i let this pain linger just a little longer.
that by tomorrow i may be able to say
goodbye a little bit more.

Stopped

2008-10-19T08:26:00.004+08:00

i come up here as if to remind you
hey i'm still here
my bags are still half packed
and my heart filled with regret

i wonder if you have anything to say
but your back is turned on me
i guess everything has been said now
and all the bickerings have been exhausted

and even our silence has stopped communicating
and our eyes refuse to look within
no more hugs and cuddles for old times' sake
just a frozen heart that finally stopped to care

Depressing Conversations

2008-10-18T16:29:00.007+08:00

walang kwenta ang buhay.

bakit mo nasabi yun?

kahit ano naman gawin mo, lahat tayo mamatay.
pwede mo maexperience lahat.
pero para saan?
mamamatay din tayong lahat.

kahit ano naman yung end, kung meron man o wala.
hindi ba mas maganda na may kwenta ang buhay tapos mamamatay ka, kesa walang kwenta ang buhay mo tapos mamamatay ka.

syempre mas maganda naman talaga yung isa.
pero anong sense nun. mamamatay ka nga rin eh.
ano ba naiisip mo pwedeng magandang mangyari after mong mamatay?

eternal happiness.

eternal happiness?
na-imagine mo ba ang buhay na puro masaya lang?
parang yung sa Stepford's Wives.
ganun ba gusto mo?

--------

ano naiisip mo para sa mga anak mo?

lalaki sila (they'll grow up).
magkakaroon ng sariling pamilya.
mamamatay.
after 100 years, hindi na sila maalala, or maaala sila.
pero after 1000 years, hindi na sila maalala.

so bakit pa natin sila tinuturuan?
bakit hindi na lang natin sila pabayaan.

ganun nga yung animal instincts eh.
hinahayaan lang nila mga anak nila.

gusto mo bang maging hayop na lang?

hindi.

gusto mo bang lumaki sila na kagaya mo?

ganun ata destiny ko. baka kailangan sa siyam na bilyong tao, may isa na ganito mag-isip. para maging balanse. importante yun eh. balance.

---------

for someone na walang pakialam, why do you make other people feel na may pakialam ka?

para hindi nila mafeel na walang kwenta ang buhay.

bakit gusto mo mafeel nila yun?

parang sa isang game. kapag sigurado ka na mananalo ka.
pwede mong gawin kahit ano.
para mas maging exciting yung laro.
tingin ko yun lang yung role ko.
pampagulo. para may challenge.

so binabawi mo na yung sinabi mo na ayaw mong mafeel nila na walang kwenta yung buhay?

hindi.

so bakit gusto mong mafeel nila yun?

mas challenging.

End Of The Day

2008-09-18T22:54:00.004+08:00

the end of the day
is the barest part of the day
friends go home
lights turn out
soberness sets in
it's the time that you realize
the only person you have in your life
is you.

Pondering on Happiness

2008-08-25T20:36:00.005+08:00

what do i really want? i gaze at the jobstreet job matches and i wonder what could i be good at? i think i am not happy with my work. i feel stucked. i don't feel that i am growing anymore. no more opportunities. but how do i get out, if i am not good at anything. i know i need to get out. but how do i package myself so that i can land on a good job?

One Crossroad

2008-06-07T20:31:00.002+08:00

have you ever felt how it is to be on a crossroad and not really know which direction to take? i'm sure this happens to almost everyone. and naturally, one would choose and end up someplace else. hopefully, a place that makes one feel he has made the right choice.

i have been on this one crossroad for almost 5 years. not that i haven't moved an inch from where i'm standing now. believe me, i have made decisions to take a path. yes decisions. several attempts to leave that crossroad. and yes, a path. meaning taking just one path every single time.

well, to be fair to my stupid self, i have tried taking the other direction. but i wasn't brave enough to go that far. i would always find myself retracing my steps and going back to being as confused as before. i even decided to wait for one year on that crossroad, hoping that the roads would change by the time i finally make the decision again.

over and over, i try to make the right decision. each time trying to come up with a good reason why i should take that same path again. yes, it was on this path where i have had the taste of unfaithfulness, unwed mothers, suicide attempts, nasty confrontations, palpitations, hyperventilations, and the sweetness of cursing your heart out.

but i was always drawn to this path. because in my heart, i know, this has led me to the greatest love of my life.

i know. i know. some of you may be crying in exasperation. how stupid can one get?! but think again. i wouldn't be on this crossroad if i was that stupid (as you put it) to stay on that path.

and today, i have just decided to take the other path. i know my greatest love is still on that path. but i'm taking my chances anyway. maybe someday, he will decide to leave his path, and follow me.

Pure Bliss

2008-04-24T19:21:00.001+08:00

i lean over and kiss him gently
he stirs, and with eyes half open
he sees me, closes his eyes
and wraps his arms around my neck

in his half-awakedness, i felt
the depth and innocence of my son's love

by the way, i was late at coming home that night.
he got a star in his summer class that day
and he insisted on not washing it off his his hand.
he was waiting for me to come home to show me that.

when i got home, the star has almost faded on his hand.
but his love remained radiant.

How To Ruin Mama's Picture-Perfect Photos

2008-04-23T19:43:00.001+08:00

Hmmm... let's see...

1. Pretend I don't see the camera.

2. Look away.

3. Cover my eyes.

4. Arrggh... Panic!!!

Did not work.. Mama still managed to get a decent picture of me riding the carousel. Can't help it. It's exhilarating (whatever that means)!

Borrowed Time

2008-04-03T03:49:00.001+08:00

once again, she wanted to be with him. but she knew it wasn't the right thing to do.

but all she could think about, as she tries to lull herself to sleep, is him. how it would calm down the turmoils inside her head. how she would feel peace, even just for a moment. enough to bring her to sleep.

but despite a momentary hesitation, he comes to her in the middle of the night. just like he used to. he lays down beside her, wraps his arms around her and starts kissing her face. the tears that keeps on staining her face were now gone. a smile on her face, as she closes her eyes and tries to push away the gnawing thought that she is the other woman.

why does it still feel right to be with him again? the breath on her face is the breath of the man she has loved for so long. and is still loving.

she closes her eyes. he whispers to her loving words she so wants to hear. but she knows that all of these are not real.

nothing is real on borrowed time.

Zombie

2008-04-03T03:29:00.000+08:00

tossing and turning
finding it hard to sleep
hugging her pillows
and longing to be hugged back
just wanting to feel the warmth
and be alive again

Lost Turn

2008-03-26T04:11:00.001+08:00

boy screws up
girl goes away
but boy realizes
he loves girl

so boy comes back,
on his knees
girl accepts him,
hesitantly

boy takes it all
to win girl's trust back
girl smiles, takes his hand
to a happy ever after.

oh, i thought it was this simple
boy and girl take turns to a happy ending
but this was never a two way game
and the rules boundless and infinite

unexpectedly, another girl took her turn
a desperate move to win
an innocent life to bribe
and that was it.

i lose my turn.

Waiting.. Till We Grow Old Together

2008-03-18T20:16:00.000+08:00

and if indeed, what you envisioned is real.
you and i growing old together.
maybe we will, but i know that that will not start soon.

and so for now, the waiting continues.
and the certainty unfolds.

Certainty

2008-03-10T20:06:00.001+08:00

silly laughs, warm hugs
but only till the dawn breaks
empty rooms, empty bed
endless waiting is all it takes

not tonight, maybe tomorrow
or the day after if he'll remember
sleepless nights, meaningless toughts
to where does this lead her?

let go of the visciousness
and an end to the perplexity
this is what she longs for
a sound change and certainty

Matt Stories

2008-03-01T21:50:00.000+08:00

matt asked me: "mama, what's this?
i said: "calculator."
then he went on pressing numbers.
since we were going to the grocery that time, i told him: "matt, let's bring that."
and he asked: "alin? yung alligator?"

---

i was playing a guessing game with matt.
i asked him: "matt where did we buy this car again?"
he was clueless.
so i gave him a clue: "sh...?"
still, he was clueless.
so i went on giving him another clue: "shang...?"
and he shouted: "shang-ge!"

---

matt said: "mama! i sang crazy little thing called love in school.
for you!
because i love you!"
awwww....

Un-Broken Promise

2008-02-21T19:34:00.001+08:00

Red back lights of cars in front of me
Wishing this cab could sweep past through
Oh let me go straight to my little one
And grant his simple wish that I tuck him in tonight

Wrote this when I was on my way to Matt.
Broke my heart when he wailed in despair,
when I told him I wasn't coming home as promised.

Mirages Between Her and Me

2008-02-18T17:33:00.001+08:00

Lost in my own self
Almost always believing it is you
Over and over again
I end up in your embrace
But only to fill in
The empty spaces of her

Oh would it help if I shut my eyes
And fumble my way out
Strain my ears a little more
To hear the loving words she hears
Those that fill in
The empty spaces spaces of me

No Truth, No Chance

2008-02-01T16:50:00.000+08:00

there is no truth when it comes to him

not even a chance of choice in flipping a coin

he can be here and there at the same time

and a locked up room when conflict arise

A Daze of Love

2007-11-08T22:25:00.000+08:00

His grandparents are taking him to Los Banos today.
It's Papay's birthday.

Although he was still sleepy at 630 in the morning, we tried to make him get up from bed. Without the usual good morning kisses and hugs and smiles and tickles, he was almost instantly shoved into his daddy's shoulders and taken out of the room, while I myself was still sleepy and refused to get up from bed. I just looked on and said goodbye to Matt without even having the chance to hold him in my arms for a while.

As the door was slowly closing, I saw his face slowing turning red, his mouth turning into a pout and whispering "Mama". And then he started crying softly.

My sleepiness has now turned into a daze of love, such overwhelming feeling of wanting to take my baby back, as if such great distance and time will come in between us.

My heart just melted at such sight. I know this seems exaggerated. But my setup with my kid is not an ordinary case.

Forgetting about whatever it is his grandparents are trying to catch, I took the liberty of time to take him into my arms as we usually would, cradle him, and mumble our i love yous in between kisses. Finally satisfied with our profession of love for each other, he sits beside me, puts his hand on my lap, and tells everyone in the household:

"I love Mama. I love my Mama."

Nearness of You

2007-10-29T22:16:00.001+08:00

how can one explain the nearness a mom feels with his child
even though he is more than a hundred kilometers away from her?

it is when the everyday experiences are retold
by the time he is in her embrace again
and everyone in the family laughs or gasps
making the moment feels real

it is the comfort of knowing
and the sense of familiarity
that the path she once treaded
is the same as where he is coming from

6 Things to Remember When With Matt

2007-10-22T22:38:00.000+08:00

1. Play with him

Giving him a bath, brushing his teeth, feeding him, changing his clothes. Accomplishing these tasks can be so difficult with someone who just wants to play and run and be chased after. Forcing him to do something can be more tiresome than making him do something without him realizing that you are actually getting things done with him. How else? By doing something he truly enjoys and does best. Playing! :)

2. Read stories

Matt just enjoys books so much! He gets really excited when in a bookstore. He remembers the names of the characters. The other day, he was having a fight with one of my mom's customers (uhm. this part is actually not good). And he told his playmate, "Gusto mo tawagin ko si Clovis? Mag-roar sya sa yo!" Clovis is the main character in his book "The Loudest Roar." Just found it amusing.

3. Learn new things

I'm not really good at this. New things. I'm the type of person who is ok with routines for a while. But that doesn't mean it has to be ok with Matt too. I want him to grow up a less boring person like his mom. Harhar! I

Let's see. I got a Winnie the Pooh domino from our Kris Kringle today. I wonder if he can already grasp the rules of the game. Although he does have a wooden domino set which was given to him by his Mamay. But so far, all I saw him do was let the blocks fall one onto another. :)

4. Sing

Like his mom (and dad), Matt looooves singing. Sometimes, he would sing non-stop, once he's all wound up (like a toy!). This weekend, while lying in bed, I told him I was already sleepy. And he started singing "You and me together we'll be, forever you'll see, we too shall be good company, you and me, just wait and see" and ending it with "Goodnight mama.." Just the way we sing it to him. :)

5. Take pictures

My camera has been with Canon Inc for repair for the past months. I got it back 2 weeks ago. But still no picture of Matt. Sigh. Sometimes, it can get frustrating -- not being able to get really good pictures. I wonder if anyone has Photography using Canon Ixy for Dummies.

And searching through gigabytes of pictures of Matt, I realized that we hardly have any decent "mom & son" pictures. Tsk.. Tsk..

6. Pray

I want Matt to grow up being close to God in prayer. Matt knows the prayer to the guardian angel by heart.

"Angel of God, my guardian dear. To whom God's love entrust me here. Ever this day, be at my side. To light and guard, to rule and guide. Amen. "

This should be a good start. :)

4 Years

2007-10-17T16:20:00.000+08:00

how does one forget
a high school worth of memories
a college worth of friendship
a life with someone that almost felt like home?

What Faith Isn't

2007-10-15T23:05:00.000+08:00

how can you accept something that you don't understand?

if faith is believing something that you cannot see,
what do you call accepting something that you don't want to believe?

actually, i think i've said it already.
acceptance.

Quiescence

2007-10-12T00:41:00.000+08:00

drenched in silence
drowning myself numb
struggling to unfeel
this blind wanting

screaming emptiness
devoid of words
evading to confuse
my slow steady drifting

Autumny

2007-10-06T01:06:00.000+08:00

customized my blog page.
that's more like it! :-)

I Want To Write

2007-10-05T23:49:00.000+08:00

all these feelings
all these thoughts
laid down in front of me

to make sense of the confusion
all the twisted justifications
hanging my sanity by the thread

My First Haiku

2007-10-04T23:51:00.000+08:00

tainted happiness
unending second chances
fallen autumn leaves