Stopped

i come up here as if to remind you
hey i'm still here
my bags are still half packed
and my heart filled with regret

i wonder if you have anything to say
but your back is turned on me
i guess everything has been said now
and all the bickerings have been exhausted

and even our silence has stopped communicating
and our eyes refuse to look within
no more hugs and cuddles for old times' sake
just a frozen heart that finally stopped to care

Depressing Conversations

walang kwenta ang buhay.

bakit mo nasabi yun?

kahit ano naman gawin mo, lahat tayo mamatay.
pwede mo maexperience lahat.
pero para saan?
mamamatay din tayong lahat.

kahit ano naman yung end, kung meron man o wala.
hindi ba mas maganda na may kwenta ang buhay tapos mamamatay ka, kesa walang kwenta ang buhay mo tapos mamamatay ka.

syempre mas maganda naman talaga yung isa.
pero anong sense nun. mamamatay ka nga rin eh.
ano ba naiisip mo pwedeng magandang mangyari after mong mamatay?

eternal happiness.

eternal happiness?
na-imagine mo ba ang buhay na puro masaya lang?
parang yung sa Stepford's Wives.
ganun ba gusto mo?

--------

ano naiisip mo para sa mga anak mo?

lalaki sila (they'll grow up).
magkakaroon ng sariling pamilya.
mamamatay.
after 100 years, hindi na sila maalala, or maaala sila.
pero after 1000 years, hindi na sila maalala.

so bakit pa natin sila tinuturuan?
bakit hindi na lang natin sila pabayaan.

ganun nga yung animal instincts eh.
hinahayaan lang nila mga anak nila.

gusto mo bang maging hayop na lang?

hindi.

gusto mo bang lumaki sila na kagaya mo?

ganun ata destiny ko. baka kailangan sa siyam na bilyong tao, may isa na ganito mag-isip. para maging balanse. importante yun eh. balance.

---------

for someone na walang pakialam, why do you make other people feel na may pakialam ka?

para hindi nila mafeel na walang kwenta ang buhay.

bakit gusto mo mafeel nila yun?

parang sa isang game. kapag sigurado ka na mananalo ka.
pwede mong gawin kahit ano.
para mas maging exciting yung laro.
tingin ko yun lang yung role ko.
pampagulo. para may challenge.

so binabawi mo na yung sinabi mo na ayaw mong mafeel nila na walang kwenta yung buhay?

hindi.

so bakit gusto mong mafeel nila yun?

mas challenging.

End Of The Day

the end of the day
is the barest part of the day
friends go home
lights turn out
soberness sets in
it's the time that you realize
the only person you have in your life
is you.

Pondering on Happiness

what do i really want? i gaze at the jobstreet job matches and i wonder what could i be good at? i think i am not happy with my work. i feel stucked. i don't feel that i am growing anymore. no more opportunities. but how do i get out, if i am not good at anything. i know i need to get out. but how do i package myself so that i can land on a good job?

One Crossroad

have you ever felt how it is to be on a crossroad and not really know which direction to take? i'm sure this happens to almost everyone. and naturally, one would choose and end up someplace else. hopefully, a place that makes one feel he has made the right choice.

i have been on this one crossroad for almost 5 years. not that i haven't moved an inch from where i'm standing now. believe me, i have made decisions to take a path. yes decisions. several attempts to leave that crossroad. and yes, a path. meaning taking just one path every single time.

well, to be fair to my stupid self, i have tried taking the other direction. but i wasn't brave enough to go that far. i would always find myself retracing my steps and going back to being as confused as before. i even decided to wait for one year on that crossroad, hoping that the roads would change by the time i finally make the decision again.

over and over, i try to make the right decision. each time trying to come up with a good reason why i should take that same path again. yes, it was on this path where i have had the taste of unfaithfulness, unwed mothers, suicide attempts, nasty confrontations, palpitations, hyperventilations, and the sweetness of cursing your heart out.

but i was always drawn to this path. because in my heart, i know, this has led me to the greatest love of my life.

i know. i know. some of you may be crying in exasperation. how stupid can one get?! but think again. i wouldn't be on this crossroad if i was that stupid (as you put it) to stay on that path.

and today, i have just decided to take the other path. i know my greatest love is still on that path. but i'm taking my chances anyway. maybe someday, he will decide to leave his path, and follow me.

Pure Bliss

i lean over and kiss him gently
he stirs, and with eyes half open
he sees me, closes his eyes
and wraps his arms around my neck

in his half-awakedness, i felt
the depth and innocence of my son's love

by the way, i was late at coming home that night.
he got a star in his summer class that day
and he insisted on not washing it off his his hand.
he was waiting for me to come home to show me that.

when i got home, the star has almost faded on his hand.
but his love remained radiant.

How To Ruin Mama's Picture-Perfect Photos

Hmmm... let's see...

1. Pretend I don't see the camera.

2. Look away.

3. Cover my eyes.

4. Arrggh... Panic!!!

Did not work.. Mama still managed to get a decent picture of me riding the carousel. Can't help it. It's exhilarating (whatever that means)!

Borrowed Time

once again, she wanted to be with him. but she knew it wasn't the right thing to do.

but all she could think about, as she tries to lull herself to sleep, is him. how it would calm down the turmoils inside her head. how she would feel peace, even just for a moment. enough to bring her to sleep.

but despite a momentary hesitation, he comes to her in the middle of the night. just like he used to. he lays down beside her, wraps his arms around her and starts kissing her face. the tears that keeps on staining her face were now gone. a smile on her face, as she closes her eyes and tries to push away the gnawing thought that she is the other woman.

why does it still feel right to be with him again? the breath on her face is the breath of the man she has loved for so long. and is still loving.

she closes her eyes. he whispers to her loving words she so wants to hear. but she knows that all of these are not real.

nothing is real on borrowed time.

Zombie

tossing and turning
finding it hard to sleep
hugging her pillows
and longing to be hugged back
just wanting to feel the warmth
and be alive again

Lost Turn

boy screws up
girl goes away
but boy realizes
he loves girl

so boy comes back,
on his knees
girl accepts him,
hesitantly

boy takes it all
to win girl's trust back
girl smiles, takes his hand
to a happy ever after.

oh, i thought it was this simple
boy and girl take turns to a happy ending
but this was never a two way game
and the rules boundless and infinite

unexpectedly, another girl took her turn
a desperate move to win
an innocent life to bribe
and that was it.

i lose my turn.

Waiting.. Till We Grow Old Together

and if indeed, what you envisioned is real.
you and i growing old together.
maybe we will, but i know that that will not start soon.

and so for now, the waiting continues.
and the certainty unfolds.

Certainty

silly laughs, warm hugs
but only till the dawn breaks
empty rooms, empty bed
endless waiting is all it takes

not tonight, maybe tomorrow
or the day after if he'll remember
sleepless nights, meaningless toughts
to where does this lead her?

let go of the visciousness
and an end to the perplexity
this is what she longs for
a sound change and certainty

Matt Stories

matt asked me: "mama, what's this?
i said: "calculator."
then he went on pressing numbers.
since we were going to the grocery that time, i told him: "matt, let's bring that."
and he asked: "alin? yung alligator?"

---

i was playing a guessing game with matt.
i asked him: "matt where did we buy this car again?"
he was clueless.
so i gave him a clue: "sh...?"
still, he was clueless.
so i went on giving him another clue: "shang...?"
and he shouted: "shang-ge!"

---

matt said: "mama! i sang crazy little thing called love in school.
for you!
because i love you!"
awwww....

Un-Broken Promise

Red back lights of cars in front of me
Wishing this cab could sweep past through
Oh let me go straight to my little one
And grant his simple wish that I tuck him in tonight

Wrote this when I was on my way to Matt.
Broke my heart when he wailed in despair,
when I told him I wasn't coming home as promised.

Mirages Between Her and Me

Lost in my own self
Almost always believing it is you
Over and over again
I end up in your embrace
But only to fill in
The empty spaces of her

Oh would it help if I shut my eyes
And fumble my way out
Strain my ears a little more
To hear the loving words she hears
Those that fill in
The empty spaces spaces of me

No Truth, No Chance

there is no truth when it comes to him

not even a chance of choice in flipping a coin

he can be here and there at the same time

and a locked up room when conflict arise